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Before I enter 2021 I need to see some terms and conditions
My blood type is Coffee
If The Plan Doesn't Work Change The Plan Not the Goal
Hey I found your nose it was in my business again
I run on coffee & Chaos
Straight outta quarantine
I was social distancing before it was cool
resting grinch face
grumpy
Kinda Care Kinda Don't
Lookin' like a Snack
2020 Would not recommend
I've got it all together I just forgot where I put it
I am here
Unemployed CEO
Bye Karen
Not today Karen
Don't Be A Karen
I survived the great toilet paper shortage of 2020
Certified Sister
Certified Brother
Certified Mom
Certified Dad
I fucking love you
Just take it one step at a time
Pro Self-Care
Because I'm Worth it Bitch
Trophy Human
Can't get enough
I'm not getting older, I'm becoming a Classic
Please exit the mood swings in a calm and orderly fashion
Mopping. Please hold.
I could be helpful but I don't want you to know it
I'm not bossy I'm aggressively Helpful
I Hate being Bipolar It's Awsome
How to pick up chicks
fro' sho
I cried myself to sleep thinking of beer
I made a beer pong app
Some people like the finer things in life and some would just like beer
What's the formula for beer?
They call me hero
Frankly
Frankly, he seems like a Frank
Who's Jeremy?
Ah Ha, Jokes on you. I wasn't making one
How did you forget your car bill? You drive it everyday, don't you?
I'm building an empire from home
Because Wifey Said So
My Wifey Comes First
floored
mild
That's mildly depressing
lethargic
I'm tired, I'll do it later
Wake Up, I need you
Fierce definition
SALTY
Check Out My Lights
Clean That Shit
Get Some Soap
Wash That Shit
I'd rather talk shit than promote shit
Anxiety: Hearing video game combat music but not seeing any enemies
I am currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out too.. but the possibilities are endless
There's no place I'd rather be.. except away from you
My people skills are just fine
I was taught to think before I act. If I punch you, I thought about it and I'm confident in my decision
Chocolatier
The world has bigger problems
This is why we can't have nice things
No your right, let's do it the dumbest way possible because it's easier for you
You don't need to repeat your self, I ignored you just fine the first time
It's ok if you disagree with me, I can't force you to be right
Your Silence Will Not Protect You
no human is illegal
Blacknificent
NOPE not today
Salty like Saline
Dad Body is also a Beach Body
Try not to let your mind wander, it's too small to be outside by itself
Beer helps with digestion
This is How I Roll
DILF: Devoted. Involved. Loving. Father
Dad Joke Champion
I can't have kids, I'm allergic
Technically, it's always half empty
Technically, it's always half full
Eat the Cake
If you can read this, bring me a beer
What's Brown and Sticky? A Stick
0 DAYS WITHOUT A DAD JOKE
My Favorite Type of Ramen
Call me Daddy
I TELL DAD JOKES PERIODICALLY
TOGETHER
MORE THAN JUST THE COLORS OF MY SKIN
Livin' The Dream
Sorry I'm Late I Didn’t Want To Come
Don't Count The Days Make The Days Count
Surely Not Everyone Was Kung Fu Fighting
World's Okayest Boss
World's Okayest Grandpa
World's Okayest Grandma
World's Okayest Mom
World's Okayest Dad
World's Okayest Aunt
World's Okayest Uncle
World's Okayest Sister
World's Okayest Brother
World's Okayest Daughter
World's Okayest Son
Of Course I Talk To Myself, I Need Expert Advice
World's Best Farter I Mean Father
I Like Coffee And Maybe 3 or 4 People
I'm Into Fitness...Fitness Taco In My Mouth
That Sounds Like A Horrible Idea. What Time?
Great Fathers get Promoted to Grandfathers
Smart Guys get Promoted to Uncle
Great Dads get Promoted to Grandpa
You Can't Scare Me, I Have Three Boys
You Can't Scare Me, I Have Two Boys
You Can't Scare Me, I Have A Boy
Don't Be a Richard
5 out of 4 People Struggle with Math
Coffee, Scrubs and Rubber Gloves
Beer Me, I'm Getting Married
Are You Drunk?
T-REX NO Like Push-Ups
Pew Pew Wars
RAD DAD
Real Men Make Twins
Funcle
Never Trust an Atom, They Make Up Everything
Dad Jokes Tank is Full
Just Another Sexy Bald Guy
1980 Camp Crystal Lake Counselor
Real Cars Don't Shift Themselves
The Golf Father
A Masterbaiter
Take it Easy on Me, My Wife is Pregnant
Duct Tape Can't Fix Stupid, but can Muffle The Sound
Baby Daddy
I Make Cute Babies
She's Eating for Two, I'm Drinking for Three
I Smell Hippies
You Can't Scare Me, I Have Three Daughters
You Can't Scare Me, I Have Two Daughters
You Can't Scare Me, I Have A Daughter
Dad Joke Loading
I heard that Oxygen & Magnesium were going out and I was Like OMG
Kinda Classy Kinda Hood
The Triangle of life
Pizza is my Bae
May Contain Alcohol
Beach Please
I'm going to Stand outside so if anyone asks I am Outstanding
I love my Six-Pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat
I'm not fat I'm just so freaking sexy It Overflows
Shhh no one cares
Be Different
I'm 104 Tired
I'm more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles
I Can't Adult Today Tomorrow Doesn't Look Good Either
I am not a Monday Person
I speak French Fries
HAHAHA NO
Im here to Pet all Puppies
I never finish anythi
OMG no one cares
I don't trip I do random Gravity Checks
Hug Dealer
Bearded for her pleasure
The best therapist has fur and four legs
Where's the food
Adultish
I'm not trying to be difficult it just comes Naturally
I'm Moms Favorite
Thats A Horrible Idea What Time
Got Ammo
Can I Go Now
I Paused My Game For You
My Dog Thinks Im Cool
My Cat Thinks Im Cool
Cats Because People Suck
Im An Adult But Not Like A Real Adult
Having A Weird Mom Builds Character
Surprise Im Drunk
Have An Ordinary Day
I Want You To Know That Someone Out There Cares
Weed Love
Lucky Clover
BLACK HISTORY: MORE THEN JUST A MONTH
I wish you'd stay small, love Dad
Black Pride Should Be More Than a Month
Everyone Matters
Game Time Folks
Excuse Loading Please Wait
Druncle Just Like A Dad Only Drunker
Dogs Because People Suck
I Can Explain It To You But I Cant Understand It For You
I Dont Know How To Act My Age
HO 3
Be Nice
I Ate Santas Cookies
You Want A Peace Of Me
Under New Management
To Save Time Lets Assume I Know Everything
I Suck At Cuddling
Best Son Ever
Im Too Short For This Shit
My Sexual Preference
Walking Around Like Everythings OK
Sarchotic Defined
I Know Everything Happens For A Reason
Youre The Reason This Country Has To Put Directions On Shampoo
A Poem About Me
Paw Love
Parenting Tip Alcohol
Proud Parent Of A Great Kid That Is Sometimes An Asshole
Im Not Here To Make Friends
Never Laugh At Your Wifes Choices - You Were One Of Them
Silently Judging You
I May Act Like Im Okay But Deep Down Inside Im Hungry Again
My Hobbies Include Eating And Complaining That Im Getting Fat
Help Me Im On A Family Vacation
Grumpy Old Guy
A Large Group Of People Called No Thanks
Grooms Crew
Great Minds Drink Alike
You Can Be Funny Without Being An Asshole
Person Woman Man Camera TV
Friday Second Favorite F Word
Im The Favorite Uncle
Im The Favorite Aunt
Do To Personal Reason I'll Be Drinking Again This Weekend
Dogs Every Single Day
Best Daughter Ever
Im Much Smarter Than My Dating History
Currently Avoiding Everything
It's Hard Being The Coolest Sibling
Buy Me A Beer I Am Getting Married
Groom Mustache
Best Relationship Advice: Make Sure You're The Crazy One
Warning Bachelor Party In Progress
People That Fall Asleep Quickly
Why Is Being Alive So Expensive
Alcohol Said I Could
Alcohol Fill Me Up
IDK IDC IDGAF
Me Weird Always
Secretly Correcting your Grammer
Mondayest Wednesday Ever
Why the hell not
Tequila Floor
The element of confusion
People Say I Act Like I Don't care it's not an Act
Do I Run? Yes. Out of patience, fucks and money
Some people just need a High-five in the face with a chair
Risk it
Save the Chubby Unicorn
God Created the word in 7 days but it took 9 months to create me so clearly I’m a big deal
Romantic Comedy
Run, Forest Run
Crazy? I prefer the term Hilariously Unstable
It's Too Peoply Outside
Sawdust Is Man Glitter
You Read My Shirt Thats Enough Soical Interation For The Day
Best Dog Mom Ever
Trump 2020 Keep America Great
I am here for the free wifi
Part Time Hooker
Not a Hugger
Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment
I love a good pole dance
Cremation is My Late Hope for A Smoking Hot Body
Best Husband Ever
Best Dad Ever
Drunk Lives Matter
I Paused My Game To Be Here
Sunglasses Smile Face Emoticon
Wink Smile
Happy Smile
Evil Smile Face
Have A Nice Day
I Like To Get Drunk And Hump Things
Let's Skip The Fairy Tale and Go Right To The Happy Ending
I Would Do Me
Beer It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore
Beer Vacation In A Can
Without Me It's Just Aweso
I'm an Animal in Bed
Words Cannot Express How Much I Don't Care
If History Repeats Itself I Am So Getting A Dinosaur
I'm Not Gay But $20 is $20
I Just Awesomed All Over The Place
You Can Have My Guns Bullets First
One For My Gnomies
You Can't Drink All Day Unless You Start In The Morning
I Keep Pressing Escape But I'm Still Here
Bomb Technician If You See Me Running Try And Keep Up
I Hate It When The Voices Go Silent
I Used To Care But I Take A Pill For That Now
You're Pointless
I'm An Aquired Taste
My Indian Name Is Runs With Beer
DADD Dads Against Daughters Dating
3 Kinds Of People. Good At Math, And Those Who Aren't
The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Fear Itself And Spiders
The Voices In My Head Have Great Ideas
I Shook My Family Tree And A Bunch Of Nuts Fell Out
Sarcasm Is Just One Other Service I Offer
I Speak Fluent Sarcasm
I Got A Dig Bick You That Read Wrong You Read That Wrong Too
Bacon Elements
I'm Just Here To Establish An Alibi
Immature: A Word Boring People Use To Describe Fun People
Why Kill Them With Kindness When YOu can Use A Hammer
Science Is Awesome
Everything Happens For A Reason
Every Once In A While Someone Amazing Comes Along And Here I Am
I Love Cats But I Can't Eat A Whole One
I'm not anti-social, I'm selectively social, There's a difference
Relax I'm Hilarious
Best Mom Ever
Hangovers God's Way Of Saying You Kicked Ass Last Night
Fart Loading 45% - Please Wait
Bad Influence
Ah! The Element Of Surprise
The Beatings Will Continue Until Moral Improves
I Am Unable To Quit As I Am Currently Too Legit
It's All Fun And Games Until The Cops Show Up Then It's Hide & Go Seek
Things Just Got Real
I Am Not Here To Judge
Sometimes I Drink Water Just To Suprise My Liver
I Pretend To Be Sober Sometimes
Ho Lee Chit
Pi = Pie
Captain Obvious
Guns Don't Kill People Its Mostly The Bullets
Good Friends Don't Let You Do Stupid Things Alone
Just Pretend I'm Not Here That's What I'm Doing
I Always Give 100% At Work
Event Staff
Stand Back I'm Going To Try Science
I Rule
I may be old, but i got to see all the cool bands
I Don't Get Drunk I Get Awesome
I Found The
Find X
I'm A Little Twisted
Easily Distracted By Shiny Objects
I Doubt That Liquor Is The Answer But It's Worth A Shot
You Inspire My Inner Serial Killer
Bacon Is Meat Candy
Sometimes Alcohol Is The Answer
A Friend Will Help You Move But A Real Friend Will Help You Move A Body
Rock Is Dead Long Live Paper Scissors
Enjoy Bacon
You Can't Get Arrested For Being Awesome
I Like You Best I'll Kill You Last
I'm A Ninja You Can't See Me
If A Man Speaks In The Forest And There's No Woman To Hear Him, Is He Still Wrong
Relax Were All Crazy Its Not A Competition
For A Minute There You Bored Me To Death
I'm Not Weird I'm Limited Edition
Always Give Houndred Percent Unless You're Donating Blood
I'm Not Lazy I Am Physically Conservative
I'm Getting Real Tired Of Wearing Pants And Having Responsibilities
When does Old Enough Know Better
I Lost An Electron Are You Positive
Being Awesome Has Its Advantages
I'm Trying To Give Up Sexual Innuendos, But It's Hard
I Wish I Could Ctrl Atl Del You
Stupid Should Hurt
If You Met My Family, You Would Understand
I'm Mean Because You're Stupid
I Feel Sorry For People That Don't Know Me
I Believe In Catch And Release In Other Words You Can't Spend The Night
I Prefer To Be On Top
I Will Solve My Problems With Maturity Today However It Will Be With Alcohol
My Bucket List Beer Ice
All Around Me I See Nothing But Chaos Panic And Disorder At Last My Work Is Done
Allergic To Stupid People
Trust Me, You Can Dance Beer
If We Get Caught You're Deaf And I Don't Speak English
Everything Happens For A Reason Usually Physics
I Never Argue I Just Explain Why I'm Right
I'm not Anti-Social I'm Anti-Stupid
333 Only Half Evil
Always Be Yourself Unless You Can Be A Unicorn Then Always Be A Unicorn
Teach Your Kids About Taxes, Eat 35% Of Their Ice Cream
Fat People Are Hard To Kidnap
Now If You'll Excuse Me, Tonight's Bad Decision Isn't Going To Make Itself
I Can't Wait To Procrastinate
Sometimes It Takes Me All Day To Get Nothing Done
Ask Me About My Ability To Annoy Complete Strangers
I Meet Or Exceed Expectations
Beer The Essential Element
Sometimes I Wrestle With My Demons Other Times We Just Cuddle
Get Real Be Rational
I Used To Be A People Person
Name The Triangles
The Original Computer
I Love Bacon
I Found This Humerus
I Don't Like Morning People or Mornings or People
Team Science
If At First You Dont Succeed Reload And Try Again
My Boss Told Me To Have A Good Day So I Went Home
In Alcohol's Defense I Have Done Some Pretty Dumb Shit While Completely Sober
When I Was A Kid I wanted to be older This Is Not What I Expected
Remember If You Can't Say Anything Nice Make It Funny
I'm Smarter Than You're
If I Ever Had To Run For My Life I'd Probably Die
Keep Calm And Carry On
My Dream Job Would Be Driving the Karma Bus
My Weiner Does Tricks
Got Me, I'll Do Your Body Good
Let's Not Complicate Things With Words Or Feelings
You Find It Offensive I Find It Funny. That's Why I'm Happier Than You
I'm Not Bossy I Just Know What You Should Be Doing
For A Good Time, Just Add Beer
Introverts Unite Separately
Choose Your Weapon
This Is Not A Drill
There's A Party In My Pants And You Are Invited
Pretending To Be A Mature Adult Is So Exhausting
When You Come For My Guns, You Better Bring Yours
It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Looses A Wiener
When You're Dead Difficult For Others Same Way When You're Stupid
I'm Not Lazy, I Just Enjoy Doing Nothing
Drinks Well With Others
Thinking Please Be Patient
Sorry Honey I Can't Hear You Without A Beer In My Hand
I'm Only Two Girls Short Of A Threesome
Don't Confuse My Personality With My Attitude
After Monday & Tuesday Even The Calender Says WTF
You Look Like I Need Another Drink
I Ate Some Pie And It Was Delicious
There's Too Much Blood In My Alcohol System
Bipolar
When I Was A Kid No Wait I Still Do That
Sometimes I Question My Sanity Occasionally It Replies
Sometimes I Wake Up Grumpy Sometime I Let Her Sleep
I Pooped Today
My Back Up Plan Is My Original Plan But With More Alcohol
I Thought I Had Social Anxiety, But It Turns Out I Just Don't Like People
Get Me Drunk And Enjoy The Show
Hi I Don't Care Thanks
I'm Not A Gynecologist But I'll Take A Look
Didn't Ask You To Dance I Said You Look Fat In Those Pants
Pissing Off The Whole Planet
What Are Your Other 2 Wishes
Cleverly Disguised As An Adult
Animals Taste Good
The Word Syndrome After My Last Name
I Don't Give A Rats Ass
Silence Is Golden Duct Tape Is Silver
Police Never Think It's As Funny
Life Support
Sarcastic Comment Loading
Moms Favorite
Mustache 10 Cent Rides